I think everyone knows about the rigid socialist regime under which we live here in Canada. Enforced healthcare, all income to the state in taxes – we get some back in a monthly allowance to ensure everyone has the same financial resources to live, ice housing provided by the state, etc.
I’m not sure that everyone is aware of the criteria by which we are granted our parenting licenses. There is a specific list of things we need to do every year to maintain our licenses. We only have to go for renewal every 3-5 years, but we are subject to random audits and monitoring. I was recently caught not fulfilling one of my fundamental duties as a Canadian parent and started remedial action today, which will allow me to maintain my license on a probationary term. I need to check in with the authorities every six months for the next two years and we need to have our papers in order because we are guaranteed to have at least three unannounced audits during that probationary period, not to mention five years enhanced monitoring.
As Canadian parents we have to meet the following deliverables in order to maintain a license in good standing.
- Canadian children must learn to hunt and trap beaver. This is an easy requirement to meet since so many of our winter clothes are made from beaver pelts. The more members of the family doing the trapping, the easier it is to collect enough pelts to make our parkas and snow pants. Of course one of our local delicacies here in Ottawa are beaver tails. You can get a variety of flavours including cinnamon and sugar and garlic cheese. Every one of them is delicious.
- Parents must teach their kids how to code and hack American-made word processing programs so that we can fix the spell check. Without the Canadian fix, the programs keep trying to correct the Queen’s English by forcing us to remove all the ‘u’s from our words.
- Every Canadian kid must learn how to play hockey. The best ones are taken into custody of the state and grow up playing hockey every day. This is how our men’s and women’s teams are able to regularly take home the gold medals at the Olympics and the World Juniors. Of course most NHL players are Canadian as a result of this training system. You can be exempted from this requirement by application if neither parent plays hockey.
- If you qualify for the hockey exemption you do still need to ensure your kids are properly educated in skating skills.
- Along with hockey and skating, kids are required to learn how to drive their sled dog teams, cross country ski and snowshoe. Of course these are just the ways how we get around in the 10 months of winter so there is lots of time every year for kids to learn these skills.
- In the summer months parents are expected to ensure that kids learn our national sport of Lacrosse, which is of course played year-round on fields which are enclosed in ice-domes during the winter months. Everyone also has to learn to swim on account of all the lakes and the likelihood that your dog sled or snowmobile may go through the ice as it softens up in the late spring.
- Everyone also has to learn how to canoe, that one is more of a necessity since it can be challenging bringing the beaver pelts in to the trading posts without transportation.
- We also have to make sure that our kids listen to and watch at least 70% Canadian media content. This is increasingly challenging with the internet, but the national firewall does help to filter out most of the foreign content.
Other than that we are quite free to raise our kids as we see fit. The state looks after most of our needs and that gives us flexibility to spend more time ensuring our children meet the needs of the state.
So what tripped us up? Neither Laura and I play hockey so we qualify for the hockey exemption, but we forgot to file the appropriate paperwork. Then they discovered that the girls couldn’t really skate either. So today they started intensive skating lessons to get them up to speed.
If they do well we could be returned to our full, independent parenting licenses six months early. Of course we will still be subject to enhanced monitoring for the next five years, but we are used to being monitored so we can manage it, even at the enhanced level. They’ll also make sure that our youngest gets started with her lessons next year. She was checking out the arena and dressing rooms today.
I’m embarrassed that we got caught, but at least the girls are still young and will be able to learn quickly so they aren’t subject to mockery from their peers. It was getting harder to conceal as they got older.
Have you ever done anything to breach your parenting license terms?