The Man’s Guide to Buying Stockings

Last week my wife sent me on a secret mission. She was getting ready for a choir concert and having some issues with her stockings and needed replacements. So with my instructions in hand I went to the drug store. Upon arrival I discovered that I was woefully unprepared for what I found at the store.

Image of a retail wall of stockings with text "Man's Guide to Buying Stockings


Not only was I faced with this wall of nylon, I was in fact surrounded by stockings. I know for some guys this might be a fantasy, but that is only because they don’t have to figure out which ones to buy.

pantyhose display

They sneak up on you


I grabbed the first box that was the right size and colour and realized just in time that I had actually picked up a box of danger. It would not be a wise idea to purchase slimming stockings for your partner if they were not specifically requested. Fortunately I realized what I was holding and began my search anew, aware of the danger that lurks beneath.

Slimming stockings

Do NOT under any circumstances choose these without prior approval!


Purchasing stockings is not unlike buying condoms. There is variety in colour and size as well as functionality. I didn’t encounter any ribbed or flavoured stockings, but there were sheer and glossy, full-length, stay-ups that just go up to thigh height and then knee-length. That doesn’t even begin to touch on the patterned stockings or get into whether the toes are reinforced or not.

wall of condoms

Size and colour also not super helpful for this wall of choice.


On my way to the cash I wondered if I should grab some snacks to disguise the fact that I was in the store buying stockings. It is easy to fool cashiers like that.

wall of chips

The least riskiest wall of choice

These tips will help you buy stockings and survive when your partner sends you out to buy stockingsClick To Tweet

Tips for Buying Stockings

Before going on a stocking buying mission you will need to know the following pieces of information:

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1. Size – as indicated by length and weight of the wearer

2. Colour – along with colour make sure you are clear on the degree of shininess.

3. Length – Thigh-highs might seem like a fun idea, but apparently they may have a tendency to fall/roll down.

4. Toe-strength – steel toed or regular toe.

5. Flavoured or ribbed

If you think buying stockings is confusing and awkward, try responding to store staff who interrupt you while taking pictures of stockings and condoms…

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