After reading the story of the UK mother who invoiced the parents of one of her son’s classmates after he was a no-show to her son’t birthday, I started thinking about all the things for which I should be invoicing other parents.
1) Birthday Parties
This mum hit the nail on the head. I spend a lot of time dreaming up the elaborate spoon and egg games for my daughters’ birthday parties – ok well it is mostly my wife who dreams up these games, but her brain is worth money too. Somebody should compensate us for our time organizing all these great activities. If your kid brings a present that is nice of them and all, but that is for my daughter. What about me? Really we should be billing for the babysitting hours, not to mention all the broken eggs and the cost of washing the spoons after. In fact, if your kid doesn’t show I might even give a no-show discount.
Some of your kids, I’m not sure exactly which ones, are bringing diseases to school. I’m sure with a little Facebook status research I can track the guilty ones. Once I figure it out, I am gonna start handing out invoices for vomit cleaning time and supplies, laundry soap, toilet plunging and cleaning, disinfectant and lost sleep due to vomit cleaning.
3) Dog Petting
My 15 month old loves dogs and by dogs I mean anything with four legs that is kind of furry. All the wants to do is pet your dog, touch your dog, cuddle your dog, bark at your dog. I think invoices are in order for all the people out there walking dogs and not letting her pet them. This seems like it should be a pricey item on account of the mental anguish that she suffers for every missed opportunity.
4) Dog Bites
We haven’t had any of these yet, but all you people who bring your dogs over for my 15 month old to pet are at risk. Seriously who lets a baby pet a dog? Some of those creatures could swallow her whole.
5) Book Series
My daughters like to read and some of your kids have been talking to them about books they like to read. Now my kids want to read what your kids are reading. Sometimes it is just one book, but often these books are part of a series of books and then they want to read all of the books and then before you know it – all your books belong to us! Rainbow Magic, Harry Potter, Nancy Drew and somehow Mary Kate and Ashley – I don’t know why these ones haven’t all been gathered up and buried in cement. My mother the librarian will not be let off the hook on this one either. My kids could be learning how to beat me at computer games, but instead they are wasting their time and their futures by reading. Someone is going to get a bill for the lost earning potential as game designers, not to mention the cost of searching out and buying all the books – or halfheartedly looking for them at the library.
6) Mitten Storage
Some of your kids leave stuff at our house after visiting. We already have lots of crap so we are going to have to start charging storage fees. We have to put your left-behinds into a special containment unit if we ever hope to see them again. Now that I think about it, we are going to have to bill for storage and delivery.
7) Board Game Rules
Kids make up weird games and sometimes make up their own rules to established games. It is not OK to just have another go when the rules clearly state you have to miss a turn. Board games have rules for a reason. If your kids cause mine to want to change them, I am going to have to bill you for my own mental anguish as a result of getting defeated. I work hard at
crafting rules learning the rules of a game so I can win. Just changing the rules without warning or proper vetting means I could lose and I am not OK with that. You will have to pay. Monopoly money not accepted…
8) Ear Worms
My kids are coming to the age where they are going to start questioning if certain magical people are real. If your kids bust up my daughters’ belief in all that is good and pure and able to slide down chimneys without appropriate confined spaces harnesses and training I am going to bill for loss of magic, but you will get a discount equal to my flying dental assistant savings.
10) Parenting Advice
I am an awesome parent. I haven’t got one of those “#1 Dad” mugs or t-shirts just yet, but I am sure that is a bureaucratic oversight. Nonetheless I am really good at what I do. As such I shouldn’t have to invoice for the advice I give you on how to raise your children. I have noticed that not everyone is doing it right. If I point that out to you and tell you how you should do it, then you are going to need to decide how much that advice is worth and compensate me accordingly. Monopoly money is not accepted…